Once you told me you didn't like the way I curl myself towards you
And that I shouldn't walk with my feet facing the other because it was childlike
I took the long way home that night thinking about what you said, staring at my feet
Forcing them to point forward. Every time they disobeyed I pinched myself till my thighs were anesthetized,
So now I cant feel my legs.
Ive always written the words youve said to me and posted them around my room,
I'd bite my lip, as the sun hit the L in useless,
Us-(e)-less. Imaging the way the words rolled off your tongue
That day I found you sitting on the edge of my bed reading your words,
The sunlight hit your nose as you stared at that L in useless.
Your top lip quivered as your bottom lip cringed
You pulled them down
I called you the next day,
You had the voice of last years cough
And your phone
suddenly stopped working.
I was exceedingly ashamed.
I've collected your words in a glass jar
Hid them behind the empty bookshelves
My eyelashes pregnant with guilt,
R o l l i n g off my cheeks.
You would have laughed at the way they fell
under my chin
I counted them so I could remember how much I missed you
I remembered the time you said I didnt look much like a panda at all,
Maybe its my ears they are far too small,
I dug my fingers into my stomach, Sat emptied of beauties
and looked away.
Months later, I wrote the words useless across my forehead
As I wished you a happy birthday from my bedroom mirror.
I heard you were breathless
I breathe less
Wondering why your phone still doesnt work.