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I won't forget you know,
I can't forget anything.

The trouble with me is I think it's all worth remembering
A winter dress worn in autumn coloured day

A weeping boy sitting in the armchair of a barbershop, he has melted sweets in his hand.

A Deer roaming through the rainforest at 1am

The first time I laid eyes on you, the moment you asked of my name

I forgot everything else
100 words minimum? I'm not sure there are that many adjectives I can heap on praising this.

There is definitively a sense of longing and of helplessness. Forlorn and shy glints of happiness, as if they are tools for helping one realize the emptiness afterwards.

The spacing is effective in emphasizing certain aspects and scenes played out, so there's not much there to criticize, though I will comment on the punctuation. That could be improved to give the piece the type of weight it needs. I would have taken the comma out from the first line and swapped in a period, for instance. An also the third line, placed a period. Since the third line is beginning to list events and scenes you can't forget seguing into the meeting of "him", I also would have kept the third line with the first stanza and made it easier to see the organizing of events.

It's still a simply powerful piece all in itself and shows the longing the speaker has. Emotional pieces like these tend to get me every time. Bravo.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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Submitted on
January 7, 2013
File Size
545 bytes


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